Kiara’s Words Part 2: To The Ones Like Me

Happy Sunday! Here’s another from the talented Kiara, enjoy!

To the Ones Like Me

I am here for you
To the ones that are always messy
To the ones that don’t hide their rage, discomfort and sadness
To the ones that rant one minute and sorry the next
To the ones that only post sad things
To the ones that only post angry things
To the emotional ones
To the unemotional ones
To the ones that is always angry
To the ones that is always sad
To the ones that scream fuck you
To the ones that screams I am hurting
To the bitter ones
To the petty ones
To the always negative ones
To the mean ones
To the ones that always fighting
To the invisible ones
To the ones that can’t find nothing positive to talk about
To the ones that embrace the darkness
To the ones that wear their heart on their sleeve
To the ones that wears armor even in their sleep
To the ones that don’t hide their mental illnesses
To the ones that are quiet storms and loud hurricanes
I love you
You are loved
Don’t change for anyone

Kiara Ford-Writer, Poet, Artist

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Kiara Illustrations

Kiara’s Words

My talented and amazing sister has given me permission to post some of her innermost thoughts to share with others. I am sure there are others that will be able to relate. Hopefully, see is willing to share more of her work with us. Thank you Kia!!

Healing From a Turtle’s Perspective

When I was small, I had dreams and goals. Like most kids back then, I believed I knew what I wanted to be when I grew up even if it changed over time. I was more brave and determined back then. I wanted to be somebody. I was going to be somebody. Nothing was going to stop me.

But I am not small anymore. Those dreams that this child had back then seems like memories from a stranger now. Memories of a time so long ago that it no longer feels real to me anymore. I don’t know this child anymore.

It is hard because most of the time I forget who I was then. That was me, but it doesn’t feel like me.

This is what mental illness does to you. This is what almost twenty years of severe depression, anxiety and suicidal thoughts do to you. No one who has never suffered from any form of mental illness will ever understand what it feels like. What it feels like to have a shitty memory. All those childhood memories you made stole from you. You wanting to cry because you don’t remember faces of those you loved and cared about.

No one will ever understand what it is like to want to die but being too scared to die. No one will understand what it is like to watch yourself fade away. You wanting to sleep but never wake up because you don’t want to face the fact that your life is shit.

Your health starts to fall apart and there you are just looking at your house of cards fall.

This is my life. My daily existence.

This is what hell feels like for me. When your body is your prison and you can’t escape.

In two weeks, it will be my birthday. A day of celebration. A day to celebrating surviving and existing. A day when I came to exist in this world.

I already know it is going to be hard for me. I will be reminded of my past and an uncertain future. I will have to face the elephant in the room. I will have to accept things that I could not control. I will have to forgive myself for the mistakes I made and time lost. I will cry. I will be angry. I want to scream at the top of my lungs and unleash all the trauma of my life. I will feel like I have been hit by a bus after all the feelings rise and go. I will have to pick up the broken pieces of me.

But I made a promise to myself and only to myself. My promise was to face the trauma and choose healing. I chose healing for myself. Anyone that has ever hurt me will not matter because I am more important.

I want to make it to 30. That will be a big age for me.

I am not in denial about my mental state. To be honest, I believe everyone around me are in denial of it. But just because I smile doesn’t mean I am happy. Sometimes it is the only way I can make it through. But I no longer will fake it. Instead I will have to make people uncomfortable by showing what it looks like.

Ableism, Mental Illnesses, Racism, Capitalism, Ageism. These things have been trying to kill me constantly in these years. It makes it hard to navigate this thing called life. They make it hard to be honest about my needs and healing. Being mentally ill can be ugly. Really ugly. It is not pretty or fun. It makes me feel small. It makes me feel like a freak at times.

This past full moon, I made a list of intentions for this year. I try to look at this list as much as I can so I can remember what I need and want out of this life. Remaining focus on a goal or two is my way of taking control of my life. I remain optimistic that I will be able to be better for me.

So I will be turn 27 years old soon. It has been a journey.

If someone was ask me where do you see yourself in five years, I would say I don’t know. I don’t have a crystal ball nor can I see the future. I can only see today. Tomorrow is never promised.

What do you want to be when I grow up? Don’t know. I don’t care. It doesn’t matter anyway. What matters is navigating life at the best of your ability.

I just started to heal at 25. I am learning new things about myself everyday. It feels like I am a teenager again. I am being the teenager that I never got to be. This teenager is angry, stubborn and determined. I have to calm them sometimes. But I love it.

My personality is finally starting to form and that beautiful, broken mind is starting to shine. I am feeling emotions I never allow myself to feel. I am thinking and saying things I would always hold in or hide.

Depression stole my memories and emotions from me. But I am slowly taking them back. Little by little. I will probably never recover all that I lost. But that is okay. What matters is that I am choosing to fight back. I am doing my best right now.

This week was bad for me. But I survived it. I hope to continue to for years to come.

Healing will take my whole lifetime. It will not be quick. I will not be ready for everything all at once.

Instead, I have to take my time and focus on one thing at a time.

At the moment, I am a turtle surrounded by hares. But I can only go at my own pace.

So to anyone suffering like me, you are not alone. I am here for you. Take all the time you need.

I love you.

Kiara Ford- Writer, Poet, Artist

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Kiara Illustrations

Me

In two weeks of blogging and vlogging, I have posted a lot of great tips, tools, and resources when it comes to supporting your mental health in a positive way. Yet, I will tell you it has not worked EVERYTIME and I would be lying if I said it did. I still have not so great days, I still get upset and cry about things and situations. I still have days when I want to stay in bed and let a day or 2 pass by. There are still “shouda, coulda, woulda days” or “I wish I would have know better days”. There are still days that I question myself and some of the decisions that I’ve made. There are some days where my depression and anxiety try to get the best of me, some times simultaneously. I have days when I don’t want to be bothered with anyone, including my support system.

On those days, I take a deep breath, sit in silence and say to myself “You got this, you are ok” over and over in my head. I also think about something my sister from another Miss Kamisha told me who is a Therapist “You have depression, depression DOES NOT have you!”. I think of the fact that I am never given more than I can handle and they is a reason for everything, even when I don’t fully understand. I try not make excuses or use “my issues” as a reason not to deal. I also keep in mind that it is OK for me to feel the way that I feel and try not to suppress my emotions and thoughts because if I do, it could cause me to crash and burn.

I also think of my biggest reason for defeating depression and anxiety, my son. Our kids see and hear everything even when we think they don’t. They are like sponges so they absorb everything, including your energy. Although my son is only 4, he can still sense when mommy is not ok without me saying a word or shedding a tear. I try to keep in mind that even in my darkest hour, my son needs me but little does he know mommy needs him just as much. When I travel by air, I have the highest anxiety. I sweat, my heart races, I begin to feel light headed at times, I go into freak out mode. Now, what I try to do is focus on a video or picture of my son in his happiest moments and think about the fun we will have when we come back together. I will say that my husband has gotten me through some tough times by simply holding me and not saying a word which can be very comforting. Although he does not fully understand, he knows sometimes his presents means more than anything.

Lastly, when I have one of those days, I think about all of the times I have walked away from situations or people or they walked away from me and the blessings that have come out of it. I look at the fact that in spite of everything, choosing me is always the best choice when it come to being happy. I also look at how far I have come and if GOD hadn’t put certain things or people in my path of life, I would not be who I am. I was given my name for a reason and I have a lot to live up to by having it 🙂

Be Blessed,

Essence