Transparency and Honesty Time:
I know its been awhile since I’ve Written but as we all have encountered, life continues to move forward and often we get thrown off course a few times. My life lately has taken me places that I do not like to be and its been very difficult for me to find the motivation to write. It has brought me back to a few of my dark places that I thought I have gotten passed and forgotten. It has tested me over and over again, trying to break my spirit, influence my way of thinking, and has brought out emotions I do not enjoy dealing with. The heads of depression and anxiety has been having an all out party, dancing so much that it had affected my health. In all honesty, the negative forces and powers that be have been trying to break me. With all of the chaos, I had to take a break from almost everything. I had to regroup and give myself time to process and be still.
My mother has always told me at a young age “You cannot save the world and you are no good to anyone else if you are not right with you”. Often times, as a lot of woman tend to do, we carry everyone’s load. I think it sometimes has to do with it being easier to decipher, and fix everyone else’s experiences or take care of everyone else, that we neglect ourselves and fail to carry, decipher, and take care of our own stuff. It’s easier to analyze, advise, and give feedback to others instead of listening to our voice within ourselves about ourselves. I will tell you from an on going experience for myself, I refuse to live this way any longer. When living this way, I find that I am living for others and through others experiences and not my own which can be very draining.
My hope for myself is to live a fruitful, peaceful, and amazing life. The burdens that are brought to me by others are not my burden to bare. It does not mean that I will not support and love unconditionally, yet it means I will not care the burden for anyone. I will lift up in prayer, lend an ear, encourage and hold their hand while they figure it out. There will be no judgment in the process but I will be truthful.
The other thing that I have been dealing with is acceptance. Not from someone else but acceptance of myself in all aspects. Even though I have moments that portray confidence, its sometime difficult for me to accept my power, my beauty, my greatness. I am my own worst critic and sometimes what others see, I don’t. I got pulled to the side by my step mother the other day and preceded to lecture me about one of my videos that was posted on social media. In the video my hair is natural and I had my mini afro and in the video I started apologizing about the look of it. She proceed to tell me “Never apologize for your hair or anything else, you are beautiful!!”. At the time of filming the video, I didn’t realize what I was doing but she was quick to point it out to me. For many years, I was criticized for the way I looked, the things I did or said and it has stuck with me to some degree. Later that night, I thought about what my step mother said and many others have told me about myself and I felt what she was saying. Its one thing to hear it, its another thing to feel it. I will no longer give others (past or present) that power, especially in words, over my life. I will not allow self-doubt into my thought process. I will continue to give my self positive affirmations and understand the importance of them. I will not apologize for who I am, all that I am doing, and becoming. I am who I am, flaws, greatness and all.
My hope is that if anyone is dealing with any of the things I am/have dealt with to know you are not alone. Life is what you make it, give yourself time to regroup, know what the expectations for life are as well as expectations for yourself. If people, places, or things are not meeting your expectations, you must evaluate and know when to let it go. Know that it will not be easy, know that sometime you may struggle but you will figure it out. Forgive yourself, give yourself credit and continue to move forward.