It has been a somewhat of a difficult week for me, for life happened. Between trying to stay afloat at work, maintaining my household, putting time, love, and effort into my communities, families, and friends with projects, events, and beyond, all this while trying to find time for myself and keeping my mental issues under control has been exhausting in every sense of the word. I think one of the biggest obstacles I deal with the most, is dealing with self doubt and not recognizing the great things in my life or how far I have come. Sometimes, its the minor set backs that I focus on so much, that I don’t spend as much time focusing on the goodness in my life and the goodness I have put out to the world. If I have one person that has a negative opinion of me, my work or one thing and I have 100 people that are positive or I have succeeded in multiple tasks or goals, I will focus on that one person or thing that is negative. I know a lot of it has to do with my anxiety, for when it hits, I tend to obsess over certain things more than others. This is the part of anxiety that I dislike the most and I am continuously working on every single day. Everyday is a struggle but for the most part, I have been able to deal with things, yet this week has been a whirlwind. I have said “If it ain’t one thing, its another”, several times which I have always tried to refrain from saying. Yet, one thing about me is I am a fighter and I was determine to find a way to decompress and find different ways to stop my mind from racing, diminish self doubt, and show myself more love than I have been.
As much as I journal, write positive affirmations and keep them around me, I decided to do something a little different. I am a visual person, I have always worked better in taking in things when I see it. So, I decided to start making videos for myself, reminding myself of why self love is so important and recapping the accomplishments that I have done for the week. Even something as simple as staying coffee free, working out, making a new dish, I record myself a video message to remind myself of the positive things in my life. I love watching inspiration videos from others, yet it is a little different when it is coming from the person you should love the most…YOU. Its like a video positivity jar that I can always go back, review, hear, and see all of the things you have accomplished. I even got my son involved so that he understands the importance of loving yourself even at a young age.
Speaking of my son, I think that is the biggest thing that I have to keep in mind is whatever I do and all that I do, my baby is watching, good, bad, or indifferent, so I must always ask myself, what am I exposing my son to? At his age, he is very influenced and impressionable, so whatever I am saying or doing, he is seeing it with a fresh pair of eyes and ears which are like sponges. I have to be a great example for him and make sure that I am putting positive energy for not only my sake but for his as well.
Lastly, I had to remind myself that change does not happen overnight and I must take it one day at a time. I must remind myself that I have a lot to give to the world and at the end of the day, if no one shows up for me, I must show up for myself. While giving happiness, I deserve happiness as well, but there must be an understanding that as much as I want to give to the world, I must give to myself first. I say it to people all the time, love yourself first, yet I can be honest with you all and myself, that it is easier said than done, for I may not always do.
With each day I take, I must be thankful and grateful, trust myself and the path the God has set fourth for me. I cannot be in fear of the unknown, I cannot allow negative thoughts, words, or feeling interfere with my destiny.